I feel like I'm stuck in the deep end treading water, waiting to be rescued or to make my way to the edge, but each time I just make it to the edge and about to get out, I'm swept back in again.
Sometimes I fall below the water and am afraid I'm not going to surface, but I do. I'm barely able to keep my head above water. I do, but sometimes I just want to succumb. To just stop treading. Just stop trying.
I'm so tired.
I'm so tired of working SO hard for not much of anything.
It seems like the harder I work, I'm about at the same place I'd be otherwise. I don't think it's really true. But I keep on working and being creative, but how creative can I be?
Again, ex's child care payments came in under the expected (and way under the court-ordered amount). No matter who I talk to, things don't change.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Monday, January 10, 2011
By doing nothing he gets rewards and I get nothing
I'm tired.
I'm tired of working hard-40+ hours a week as a small-town newspaper editor, plus part time work as a photographer and a Dove Chocolate Discoveries Chocolatier and being a single mom-and never ever getting a head.
My ex's way of dealing with anything uncomfortable or that he just didn't want to face was to not deal with it.
When he got tired of paying his utilities, he just stopped paying. When things got uncomfortable with us, he was down. In his mind we were divorced the second he said he wanted to "break up." Now, well it's not a new thing, it's been going on since May, he just stopped paying child support and debt support.
To him, I'm being greedy and taking advantage of his "generousity." To me, I'm just trying to do what I can to pay all the bills and do the best for my daughter.
Every month, I get less and less from him.
Yes, I have his paycheck garnished. While the total child support is less than 50% of his paycheck, the military (he's in the California National Guard) will ONLY garnish UP TO 55% of his BASE WAGES. The rest of his pay if Basic Allowance for Housing and other categories that I don't know of.
While the Army only garnishes a portion of what he owes, he's still responsible for the rest of it. The problem is that I can't hold him accountable for his actions. As of the end of the month, he'll owe me nearly $11,000 in back child and debt support (we racked up a large debt while we were married and I'm paying ALL of it because he just wouldn't pay it). As each month passes, I continue to owe rent and rack up charges for not paying on time. To allievate that, I work extra hard at my part time jobs to earn the extra money needed to make up the difference.
I'm resentful of my ex because that extra work takes me away from my daughter and costs me because I have to pay for additional child care.
What's even more frustrating, I have to work hard to make every dime. I keep on hoping I'll win the lottery, but then I remember I can't even afford to play the lottery.
What can I do to earn more money without being away from my daughter any more than I already am? I dislike being away from her so much.
I'm angry that there isn't something else that can be done, that I know of, to get the money that he owes his daughter. It's not fair that he chooses not to pay the court-ordered child support and his daughter suffers because her mother has to spend more time away in order to pay all the bills-maybe.
I can't hold him in contempt of court because he's currently in Iraq. I've contacted his superiors and I still can't get the ordered amount. I want to cry. And sometimes I do.
Somedays after I pick A up from daycare, I sit down on the porch and cry. I'm overwhelmed by the responsiblity to feed, cloth and keep a baby safe from everything!, as well as be in charge of my department at work, report everything that needs reporting for the community, take care of an entirely too large house inside and out, eat right, exercise and take time for myself. So, of course, things get cut from the end of the list as needed. Mostly time for me, exercise, eating right, taking care of the house out and in.
I'm sad. I dread going to work or having to pay any bills. I often want to just get back into bed and pull the covers over my head and stay there. Maybe I could pull the ex's trick and pretend it doesn't exist and then it won't. How I wished that were true. Unfortunately for me, that seems to work for him. The more he ignores his daughter and me, the more he can. Why can he get away with it? It's so frustrating that I can't even get the support that is COURT-ORDERED. What is wrong with the system, that one body can order it and NO ONE else can get him to pay it?
What has to happen in order for him to have to pay? What can I do now? I feel so helpless.
And I don't want to have to face the world. I'd rather live in an Heather world where all I have is my baby, a book, and my covers.
I'm tired of working hard-40+ hours a week as a small-town newspaper editor, plus part time work as a photographer and a Dove Chocolate Discoveries Chocolatier and being a single mom-and never ever getting a head.
My ex's way of dealing with anything uncomfortable or that he just didn't want to face was to not deal with it.
When he got tired of paying his utilities, he just stopped paying. When things got uncomfortable with us, he was down. In his mind we were divorced the second he said he wanted to "break up." Now, well it's not a new thing, it's been going on since May, he just stopped paying child support and debt support.
To him, I'm being greedy and taking advantage of his "generousity." To me, I'm just trying to do what I can to pay all the bills and do the best for my daughter.
Every month, I get less and less from him.
Yes, I have his paycheck garnished. While the total child support is less than 50% of his paycheck, the military (he's in the California National Guard) will ONLY garnish UP TO 55% of his BASE WAGES. The rest of his pay if Basic Allowance for Housing and other categories that I don't know of.
While the Army only garnishes a portion of what he owes, he's still responsible for the rest of it. The problem is that I can't hold him accountable for his actions. As of the end of the month, he'll owe me nearly $11,000 in back child and debt support (we racked up a large debt while we were married and I'm paying ALL of it because he just wouldn't pay it). As each month passes, I continue to owe rent and rack up charges for not paying on time. To allievate that, I work extra hard at my part time jobs to earn the extra money needed to make up the difference.
I'm resentful of my ex because that extra work takes me away from my daughter and costs me because I have to pay for additional child care.
What's even more frustrating, I have to work hard to make every dime. I keep on hoping I'll win the lottery, but then I remember I can't even afford to play the lottery.
What can I do to earn more money without being away from my daughter any more than I already am? I dislike being away from her so much.
I'm angry that there isn't something else that can be done, that I know of, to get the money that he owes his daughter. It's not fair that he chooses not to pay the court-ordered child support and his daughter suffers because her mother has to spend more time away in order to pay all the bills-maybe.
I can't hold him in contempt of court because he's currently in Iraq. I've contacted his superiors and I still can't get the ordered amount. I want to cry. And sometimes I do.
Somedays after I pick A up from daycare, I sit down on the porch and cry. I'm overwhelmed by the responsiblity to feed, cloth and keep a baby safe from everything!, as well as be in charge of my department at work, report everything that needs reporting for the community, take care of an entirely too large house inside and out, eat right, exercise and take time for myself. So, of course, things get cut from the end of the list as needed. Mostly time for me, exercise, eating right, taking care of the house out and in.
I'm sad. I dread going to work or having to pay any bills. I often want to just get back into bed and pull the covers over my head and stay there. Maybe I could pull the ex's trick and pretend it doesn't exist and then it won't. How I wished that were true. Unfortunately for me, that seems to work for him. The more he ignores his daughter and me, the more he can. Why can he get away with it? It's so frustrating that I can't even get the support that is COURT-ORDERED. What is wrong with the system, that one body can order it and NO ONE else can get him to pay it?
What has to happen in order for him to have to pay? What can I do now? I feel so helpless.
And I don't want to have to face the world. I'd rather live in an Heather world where all I have is my baby, a book, and my covers.
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